he spoke ever so honestly

haven't been around lately. been trying to face and embrace truths. i wrote this poem a year and a half ago. it seems i write poems and then later, much later i allow myself to feel them. like a prep course for the test of experincing emotions.
i post it today because i see i may setting myself up again for this pain. so i am reminding myself to keep clear boundaries and eyes wide open. i also see how i stuffed feeling to get through this. i won't do it again. have i grown? are the lovers trust worthy? will i ever allow myself to hold out for someone who is ready to love me, and has room in their lives for a healthy experience of partnership? or is this all ther is and i need to toughen up a bit?

He Spoke




He spoke ever so

Honestly

His love for her dripping from sharp teeth

Bared but not yet biting

His love for me an after thought

Something to have on a rainy day or when one is bored with tv

I take this alone time in stride

Because I never had him in the first place

I never had no one, ever

As the Smith’s song goes

He wants for me to be his friend

Buddy

Pal o’mine

When my heart was wood

He took an ax and fire to it

So I turned it to stone

With his jackhammer of new love

Almost destroyed again

I tied it together with string

And took a step back from his need

Greed of me

And still I do not give in to the hurt

The ocean of lies he washed over my flesh to get to my good stuff

The almost promise of love

Every time I tried to put out our hearth he claimed he needed

Those home fires burning

Even though I knew of her

He eased me with kiss and touch that she meant nothing

Then just a little something

Then well

in all his honesty he began to swoon about her

until her cruelty reared it’s head and

he cried to me to pick up all the humpty dumpty

put him back together

so he could return to her

and tell the truth that I was merely a whore for the taking and tossing

and I still will not give in to the hate

for he is the last in long, long line of lovers

whose deep wish is to be brothers

shower sister adornment over them all

because I always love that much.

So I become a true sister and keep my legs shut

Sister in the sense of nun

None shall crack the stone further

Let the string meld it back to flesh

I sew my sex shut

In case my legs give way to his words

Shut

Like my mouth

No screams of being led on or any other accusation

Choke tears down

Because he was honest

He did say the score

He can hang you with your wants

You did want him

You stole moments

Maybe some were meant for her

Maybe some meant for his craft

No more criminal mind tricks to keep him close

He spoke ever so

Honestly

Crushing and creating

In one breath

A frigid whore

With no bed to belong in

No arms to cradle this fragile

No open ears to soak up the stories

Only a free woman can tell

No eyes to ease the fear with a glance of genuine

No voice to sing the songs of youth

Crumble by the sweet killing moon

He spoke ever honestly

In response I lie with a smile

And claim to have no heart to break

I set him free as we do with those we love most

He will never feel the haunting

The love I have is no ghost