last year

i wrote this poem a year ago. i am still struggling with the theme. i now acccept i will continue to struggle with it. until ... i stop struggling with it. last year though it was a different layer lonely. so that is something.


June 26, 2009




I feel the loneliness creep back in.

I try to stop it. But then again I think it better to accept it.

So I am alone

This destroyed me in my youth

I know better now

People can love but that does ease loneliness

This deep despair has been apart of me

Ever since I remember being

This despair began with incest

Expanded during a sexualized growing up

And not in the “I want to explore love and being loved and one day I’ll be married with children”

No not in that way

In the way of a hunger and a need to feel the love that 1st abuser instilled

The hunger and need that was developed over time with one invasion after another

Until invasion is all I know of sex

Of love

Of being

I exist to be invaded

I exist to be used up and then tossed aside

I exist

Holding on for that time

When I feel different

Possibly

Maybe

Whole

Or at least less broken