survivor of shame

emotions frozen
fixed in a tundra

i am a poet and painter
i am also trudging through a painful process called recovery
i have been trying to recover from incest.
currently i am working through the book The Courage to Heal
i have tried to deal with it before, without a good therapist
at times i was ok, able to be comfortable in my openess
others... well... a whisper of self
Tapestry was my soul brother. like a twin who not only could hear me but feel me as well. in the 90's we made alot of art together and pushed ourselves to soul spelunk and bring the truth in everything we created. i had no fear back then because we explored our spirituality and came to a sense of home in Yemaya, Maat and Bast

he believed in my quest and supported the work i was doing. when i got lost he would find me and help me back again. i was creating poetry that really moved me and felt good saying out loud September 10th 2001 he died. he was HIV postive, and when he got pnemonia while traveling he could not recover. he did die in the arms of his true love holding the hand of his mother. he did not pass over alone like some of our friends. i had been trying to get there, his bedside, as others were too. and the next day was 911 so i could not fly to reach him and be there to spread his ashes. that hurt so much i almost gave up. but i knew if he were still here he would push me dig deep and carry on.

i do have other soul brothers. they knew and loved Tapestry too. and they have held my hand and encouraged to finish what i started. in 2003 i was all set and ready, expressing myself freely when my family said i'll lose them if i did not stop airing dirty laundry. so i stopped. and fell apart. and got back up again and fell apart and got back up until last saturday. when another artist pointed out that i really need to be honest. that i do not have to keep those poems secret and not share that art work that upsets them so much.

so here it goes

some artwork

and  a poem

I lay this down

I lay this down

i confess this to my mother

the one that breathes the sea

the one true calling for me

I want to shift this burden off my back

Been carrying it for so long

Too long

Been messing around in polluted pools

Been dragging myself way down

Trying to save my family name/tree

But I feel lynched on that branch of incest

Can I grow from coral instead?

Can I cut these ties that bind

I feel like I am choking on that thread

Shackled with shame

I fight this fight once again

Stooped shoulders

I let the pain slide to the floor

Weak and bleary eyed

I can’t cry no more

I try to forgive them

Even if I can’t forget

I forgive them

As I scream out my regret

Alone at the shore I pray that she can hear me

The loose scent in the trade winds assures

My heart

And so

Up from the dark ocean floor

I grow